just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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