Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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