I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
