I swear she didn't look like that last week.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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