i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
