It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
