oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
