My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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