dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
