I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
