everyone is single if you try hard enough
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
