Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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