Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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