Have you finally orgasmed yet?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
