In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
