Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
