Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
