y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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