Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
one two three fourrrrnication!
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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