Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
