they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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