i just sent this text using only my big toe
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
