Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
