someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
