I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
