Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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