You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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