Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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