I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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