when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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