I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
