i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
The beer is more important than you right now.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
