I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
