margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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