I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
