You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
