i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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