Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
