how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
