first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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