the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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