He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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