my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
