i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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