1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
