I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
