She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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