if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
