I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I'm passing your future prison.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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