Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
