uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
